Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Half Empty or Half Full?

Today is the midway point of the year. So many things have changed for me in the first 180 days, it’s hard to think about all of them in proper perspective.

Merry is still bugging me for late night Denny’s with tickles included of course. Despite the several hundred dozen times I’ve told her that I love Sir and don’t want to meet her for "and stuff", she still tries to make me feel badly about it. I’ve come to the conclusion that until she’s got herself fixated on someone else, my contact with her will have to be limited. She wants to go back to midnight meetings after gigs, sneaking around behind her wife’s back, and by extension- Sir’s. I just won’t do that to someone I love. Despite my love for Merry, I can’t imagine my life without Sir in it and I will do nothing to jeopardize the trust he’s given me with his heart. We’re too fragile in our relationship at this point, each of us trying to figure out a way of believing that we just can trust each other with our hearts. That’s difficult for both of us.

I’ve had many people who knew me with Merry continuing the questions about me and Sir. It’s hard to explain to them in a way that they understand apparently. Even Belle has said that many people have asked her what was "up" with me and Sir. I’m not sure what they mean by that though. Don’t they "get" us? Do they wonder "what" our relationship is? Can’t they see the attraction between us when we’re together? Most of our joint friends do, it’s the ones that are solely mine that seem to be the problem. Can’t they picture the giggle-slut tickle-shoe girl with the big bad scary sadist? Not that he’s scary at all to me, but what exactly is people’s problem with Sir and me?

Sir and I have been to parties where things were accepted, left unquestioned, and even down-right understood. P, Belle, G, C & A, RJ, M & K....they all "get" it. And now that I’ve written this out, I get a sense of what the problem may be. All of those people, if not involved in a D/s relationship, at least have been around long enough, or are new enough in their own explorations, that they don’t need an explanation. And, we’ve been around all those people enough for them to "see" me and Sir together....and know that we do belong together, and that I belong to him. It’s the others, the ones I first met through Merry, that don’t seem to get it. Is it like they're misfit toys who long for just acceptance, rather than search for what they need? They accept what is given, rather than find what they want? Or maybe that is all they want. Just to be accepted in the kink world, doing kinky things, having what Belle so fondly refers to as her "kinky family"...the companionship of those outside the norm, company of familiar freaks.

And then there’s people like T who just piss me off with the neediness that comes out in the open whenever there’s even a half-way adorable dominant in the same room. She’s what I’ve always hated in myself and tried so hard to squash....the need to be needed....and the lengths that one goes to, doing whatever everyone asks, even things that would make a sane person actually feel like a whore, just to feel needed. The way she goes about it however, is just pissing me off. No sweetheart, Sir does NOT want to whip you, touch you, or do anything else to you. He wants someone he can do these things with. He’s found someone that he can tie up, hurt, make cry, smile, laugh, meet his friends, and go out to dinner with, all within the span of a few hours without it being forced. He’s found someone who loves him, and not just his rope, his toys, or his domly ways.

And speaking of domly ways, Sir has apparently decided to make me eat my words. By that I mean that I’ve given him ownership, and he’s now decided to take that out for a run. My hair, my nails, my wardrobe....and he’d like to order for me when we go out to eat. Lots of changes in those things and I’m struggling to keep up with all of the new rules. I want to figure out how to come outside of my own comfort zone with these things. Its’ been a long time and I’m struggling. Maybe five years was too long to wait. But then, five years was apparently the right amount of time too.....it was only now that I’ve met Sir...and before this....I don’t think I’d met anyone who came even a little close to him.

To hell with that, I’m not struggling, I’m fighting myself with them. Now why am I doing that? They’re all small things he’s changing...he’s not demanding that I give up my friends, my job, my life...He just wants me to show him the real me in addition to the feeling of being the real me. My real hair, my real nails...and not those things that are a mask. That’s the problem though, my masks have been what’s kept me safe all this time. Does he really want me to let go of those? Do I want to give those up? That’s a fear....will he like me without those things? Interesting question. To become myself, I have to give up the trained behaviors and looks that I’ve put on to prevent others from getting too close.

I’ve been crying so much recently that its starting to become a drain on me. I told him when he first started this, that I was afraid of letting all of that out of me....that I wouldn’t be able to stop once he started. I don’t think that he really knew how much is in here. How much I’ve kept locked up, put away, and beaten back. All those little doors in my mind that hold all of those things that I didn’t want to remember or think about ever again. He’s taken all those keys and have opened those doors. When I gave him the keys, I really didn’t think he’d do that. And he’s finding out just how scary all that shit really is. The girl that got stuck who now pretends to be a woman because she had no choice in the matter. God damn that daddy side of him. He wants to slay all those monsters, but to do it, he’s gonna put me through hell and back first. I’m afraid of what it’s going to look like on the other side. Those are the things that kept me strong, safe, and away from pain. He wants to be my safety and strength...but can I really let him be that?

He wouldn’t like that little girl. That scared, lonely, hurt shy little girl who clung to anyone who could make her feel anything. When even feeling bad was a feeling I looked for because it was just something to feel rather than nothing. I wonder if he can understand feeling nothing? Actually being so alone that no one can penetrate enough to cause joy? To cause anger? Protecting myself from all of those things that I always felt I caused in others. And then the drugs started. Trying like hell to feel something other than other people’s emotions. Something in ME. Anything. And then I met D.

I wonder how many of these young kids that I’ve seen recently will look back on all of this and remember it fondly. Or will they wish they’d waited until they found love.

I had a conversation with L and J at Countess’ party the other night. She told me about a party coming up on the 18th and wants me and Sir to come. She said that she loved the tickle scene that we did and that my laughter was wonderful. She also said that she was impressed with Sir’s little trick...and that I must really love to be tickled. I looked at her like she was nuts and said that I hated to be tickled...that’s why Sir does it. She said it was surprising...I looked like I was enjoying it. This is what I mean about tickling....everyone thinks because you’re laughing and not crying that it must be a good thing. And this is what I mean about Sir...if I’m crying it must be a good thing. Oh darling...it’s good for you because it turns you on to have that much power over me....but as for being good...I wish I could be sure.

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