Thursday, January 15, 2009

Opportunity

I’ve always procrastinated with opportunities. I’ve seldom taken advantage of them when they appeared, I mostly ignored them. I felt like it was hope kicking me in the face...taunting me with a physical manifestation of hope.

That’s opportunity. A way for fate to get in on the act of that headache and turn it into a migraine.

When the class was over, and after we’d gathered together for one final pitiful group chair tie, and once many of the people had left, I watched him. He had an interesting little toy that I wasn’t familiar with. I was curious about it, and asked to try to it. He pinged me twice...which felt interesting and pretty darned hot...and then I looked at Meredith’s face. She was turning green around the edges. She often does that when she’s near things that “hurt”. So, I sat with her, comforted her, explained it didn’t really hurt...it was actually kind of a neat sensation...a little stingy but nice. She’d gotten up again because she wasn’t feeling well, and told me I should stay. When she returned, I was sitting in a chair, across the room from Merry,who was still looking green.

In the general chaos of talking, laughing, and rope, an interesting thing was happening. I was watching him and Sir P play together with a friend and that little toy. She was really liking it...but the smile on his face was delicious, and Sir P was his usual touchy-feely self. That’s what he does best I think. Touching. He gets that.

When the marks started to appear though, Merry looked like she was going to throw up. I walked across the room and sat next to her, holding her hand, asking her if she wanted to leave. She was fascinated and disgusted at the same time, while I just kept watching his face. The way his eyes got narrower, the smile got harder, the lines of his jaw tightened up. Something about that face fascinated me. I wanted to feel what he was feeling...or was it that I wanted to feel him? I felt that little part of my brain tell me to step away from the dominant...back right the fuck up....right now. But, as I said, I was distracted.

What I noticed most though, was the way he touched her. I was glad Merry was feeling this one, because I had a much better view of his face and his actions from sitting on the couch next to Merry. The way he held onto her, comforted her, talked to her through the pain, that’s what I saw. My heart started beating faster, my breath was caught in my lungs, my eyes were focused on him, and my own hands got hot. Merry finally bolted, but told me to stay.

When they were finished, he ended up sitting next to me. I told him that Meredith had some medical issues, and that she’d be fine. But while she was gone, he started talking to me.

There it was again. That way of speaking that told me that he was more intelligent, more self-aware, and much more than I’d first thought, and than I'd expected to ever find at Bondage Club. And as usual, my questions started. Just who the hell was this person? And where the hell did he come from? And where had he been all this long time? And why hadn’t I met him before Meredith? Things would have been a whole lot easier on me then I think.

I had supposed that everyone that I’d met was more or less confused about themselves...too many switches...too many unsure and multi-flexible orientations...too many into the kink, but not actually kinky. But not him. He wasn’t confused at all.

But he was sure confusing me.

He told me about his feelings the first time he’d spanked someone. My ears perked up, my curiosity got the better of me...and I ignored the potential migraine for that opportunity. To talk to him, to just open my mouth and start that conversation that I’d really wanted to have. I smiled, I flirted, I showed him my heels...all things that Meredith was comfortable with...and trying to regain some of my brain from the distraction.

But by then Merry was back, still green, and needing some distraction of her own. so it was photos, heels, and posing...that’s what she wanted. So, I just gave into her whims, ignored mine, and he disappeared.

Meredith and I went upstairs to talk. She really did have a hard time with that stick. The marks, the “scene”, but mostly with the woman’s clothing and shoes. We snuggled for a bit, which always makes her feel better, and I tried to explain about the things that she’d missed in her horror of the clothing. She was cold, tired, in pain and she was pissing me off about the clothing thing.

So, to bring her back to reality of what she was really squicked about, I started talking about what he had talked to me about. I kept mentioning his name so much, that Merry got pissed and asked me if I wanted him...if I were “hot” for him. I told her, that yes. I was. That she and I loved each other, but that was a different kind of love. It wasn’t a kind that I could have for my own, couldn’t live like that with only tiny pieces of time spent together, and that I needed someone who would let me spend the time with them that I needed.

We had our first disagreement that night, but in the end, we left the class as we always had. And, as we separated at Denny’s afterwards, I’d felt the pang of that lost opportunity.

And I actually did have a migraine.

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