We were in bed, trying to re-connect and trying to find a way to say what we both needed to without the tears. We had started to find our way again when the phone rang. It was The EX.
Now, I’ve never met her and I don’t expect to ever meet her. Someday, I suppose I might have to because of the Boy, but I think it might have to be a long time in the future and only after carefully getting into a proper frame of mind so that I don’t want to hurt her, in that bad way. But just the way Sir talks about her, with that pain in his eyes, tearing apart the wonderful man that he is, leaving him with all that shit- that makes me damned angry.
I had warned Sir that his life was going to get a lot harder now though that she knew he had a girlfriend.
They were arguing about whatever. I chose to go downstairs and find something to give him some privacy. I put my ipod in and cuddled up in his chair with his jacket. I wanted him to see me when he was finished, but I didn’t want to add to his stress by having me see him with her shit. The problem was that this just added to the carryover from the night before. And I decided then that I would just be there for him when he needed me to be. No questions - just to be there to pick up any pieces that she left.
Between her several calls, and the Boy's call because he’d overheard the argument, things were very bad for Sir. He finally fell back asleep and I went to the store. I left him a note because I didn’t want him to think that I’d left. I wanted to make dinner for him to let him know that us together, we were normal. We liked each other and we wanted to be together. I wanted him to know that I wanted him, all of him. And not only the good stuff. He wasn’t very much of a daddy today, but he needed me to be a big girl for him instead. I can do that too. But the hurt in his eyes. I wish I could help him with that.
We needed each other. We spent some more time together with him fisting me again. He needed to feel empowered again and that’s a good way to do that. I wonder if we’ll ever get to the place where he’s sure enough about me to trust me completely? To let himself go and just be with me and forget everything else but each other? He needed to get himself back and I became the object of his need. All of the anger and hurt he needed to channel through me. And it felt wonderful.
After dinner, he had a meeting. He’d asked me to go, but I just told him that I thought he should go alone. I would still be there when he got back and not to worry, but I thought he should have some time without feeling like he had to worry about me. I think he would have liked for me to go, but he didn’t push. And, truthfully- he was right. I needed some time to myself too. I gave him a hug, and asked what time he’d be back.
I spent some time online- I tweeted. I didn’t know what I was going to say until it came out. But he saw it. I hope he smiled. I spent some time thanking Dana, and then I thought about emails. I always look forward to our chats, we fall in love every time we do that. I wanted to leave him one. He found it. I hope he smiled then too.
I did the dishes, took a shower, packed my stuff up, got dressed, brought in flowers, ate some chips, and left him a note. It may not always be roses and fireworks darling- but with you- it always is. I told him that I was upstairs waiting for him, but I fell asleep. When he came home. He was happy. He saw the flowers, read the note, saw the email and tweet and he knew that I did love him and that I was there for him. And I always will be my love. For as long as you want me, my love. I will be there and things will be alright. They must, because you’ve left me with nothing. No way to cope with things if they aren’t. You’ve become everything important to me.
And I’ve trusted you. I wonder sometimes if you really do want that responsibility. That wonder is the only thing that prevents me from being completely yours. I’m 98% there now, well- 96% when I’ve been drinking.
We talked some more about things and he told me that he felt good at the party- doing those things that he’d never done at a party with anyone. I told him that I never had either. And, I also told him that I’d never actually spent the entire night with someone. I never stayed. I forgot though and mentioned David. He doesn’t know about David. But he doesn’t need anymore reminders that I’ve had a life filled with stuff. He’s all I want now. And we’re good together. And we are that you know? Two sick fucks, each with our own demons, and able to understand each other because of them.
And each of us loving the other in spite of ourselves.