Friday, March 20, 2009

The Morning

I fell asleep in his arms again. And while I wasn’t as peaceful as I’d usually been when sleeping with was better than I’d slept all week. Too many things still on my mind to relax completely. But no bad dreams.

That’s a bonus. We got up on time...and he was hard again. And we spent some quality time fucking. Always nice and always feels wonderful. And I woke up still in a silly mood from the flogging...dear god...that one always does that to me...puts me in such a good fucking mood....for days. Now that is twisted. Getting flogged and feeling happy and carefree? Yeah. I know.

I wonder if he understands that? I know he likes fucking me...but I wonder if he understand what that one means to me? I think he does actually. We talked about the night...

Of course.....and I teased that the key of course was making me dinner...and we laughed some more. He said, felt like a daddy dom night. Taking care of me. My toes curled.

We also talked about that hard list of mine. Revisions will obviously be in order now that I’ve bent two of them in such a short time. He also told me that one of his favorite things was the swallowing. I know that. He may have been a bit remorseful about pushing the first one with fisting...but I don’t think he’s all too remorseful about pushing the swallowing. He listened to what I said...and knows me enough by now to know that I still control myself...mostly. I wanted to give him those. He took them for sure...but with my complicity.

But he’s also a little worried. He wonders if his love for me will affect how he can hurt me. I don’t wonder about that. I know it will affect it to some degree- it’s impossible for it not to. The danger lies in the fact that to keep things the same, you resort to that smart ass thing. And I don’t really want to push buttons like that. Please don’t have to become something else. Just be who you are...things will work out. The fear of loving someone too much to cause them pain? What kind of sick twisted thing is that? But...combined with the daddy- there is a real possibility that those things will change a bit. But, I’m sure...they won’t change at all either. We’re still both suited enough to understand what drives us in that regard. He can no more change his underlying sadistic tendencies...despite his love for me...than I could stop liking that pain...despite mine for him. We’ll be fine. I know that. We’re still learning about each other, and ourselves. It’ll take time.

It occured to me then, that this is a relationship that is new for both of us. We're working at something that has no rule book, no manuals, no instructions. We're making this shit up as we're going along. And that, I think, is the way it should be.

But I’m glad I went to see you, daddy...and I’m glad you came.

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