Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Another St. Patty's Day

Jon was expecting my call. I haven’t missed one yet. Over all these years, he still knows that I’ll always call him from wherever I am to say happy birthday.

He says he’s doing well. Some new drugs he’s trying are apparently easing the pain up a bit. He sounds old. His voice has changed. Tired. I hope that its just that.

He asked about Sir. Wanted to know how things were going. Wanted to know what kinds of things we’d done...and it seemed like he was asking for a blow-by-blow. Tweaked me kind of. In the past, I’d told him what I’d done...but this time. It felt like he was being a voyeur into something too special to me to want to share. My world has changed. As have my feelings for him.

But then, he asked if I was happy. The voice made me stop for a second.

Trying to figure out what he wanted to hear. And then I thought, I don’t need to figure out what he wants anymore. Why do I still try not to hurt him? What does it matter what he thinks? Just answer the damned question and stop thinking.

So I told him. Yes. I was very happy. Happier than I’d been in a long time, happy with Sir, happy how things were going, and happy that I’d found someone who liked me. Happy to love and be loved. Happy to finally be with someone who could appreciate me....how I was and who I am. I was happy again.

Then I told him about some of the things we’ve done...the funny things like the martini. The nice things like the way he brushes my hair out of my eyes. How I finally felt safe again...that I finally belonged to someone again. He also wanted to know if I was sleeping yet. I laughed and told him of course..same as always. He just laughed and said that he’d hoped I’d outgrow that. I just said that I’d have to grow up first before having time to outgrow anything...and that wasn’t likely to happen any time too soon. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I slept just fine with Sir. I didn’t want to explain that I found something with Sir that I never had with Jon.

I asked him about Jen, Becca, and David and if he’d heard from any of them. He said that Becca and Alan were retired and living in California the last he heard. He lost track of them a while ago. David is still trading time between Canada and Florida, but he sees him once in a while. Jen is still in NY and she’d called yesterday. He laughed with me on that one. Jen never could remember which day was his birthday.

It was all in all a weird sort of conversation. I’d never felt like I couldn’t talk to Jon about anything. But now, I didn’t want him asking too much about things. I don’t want to hurt him by telling him that Sir is more to me somehow. So this is one time that I will just keep my feelings to myself. It felt fake somehow...like two people who’ve known each other a long time, but who don’t really know each other anymore at all.

We finally said goodbye and Gerry came on the phone. I asked him the question that I couldn’t ask Jon...just how bad are things? Gerry told me that things were fine and that I shouldn’t worry about them. He’s got everything taken care of. I should be happy with my new “boy”, that’s what would make them both happy. A master of non-answer that. He did want to know what I thought of Sir’s ass. I told him that he’d like it too....it was kinda cute...and not as much as a handful as he’d like...but that it fit my hands just fine.

We giggled together and he told me about his new neighbors and how tweaked they got at his naked sunbathing. So he made a concession to them. He’s wearing a hat. Fucking hilarious that little swish...god I miss him.

And as usual, I woke up at 2 am. But, Sir was waiting to pick up the pieces from that nightmare. Thank christ for that small thing. I fell in love with him again last night. Somehow, it feels better and better every time that happens.
Happy birthday Meany-Moe. I still miss you, but not so much anymore.

Oh, and Sir told his wife about me today. Funny that one. I never even considered he’d do that, but of course he would because of the boy. He asked how I felt. Actually darlin’...it is true that I care only about the opinions of two people in your world: yours and the boy's. But I'm afraid that your life is gonna get a lot harder now that she knows.

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