So, we had a lovely day and spent time together just being happy with each other. Leaving in the morning was difficult again. But I was happy and looking forward to the weekend. Seeing him and knowing that while somethings have changed...it just made things even better. The change was in me...and in him. We’re both a little petrified...but we hide it well. I think.
But then, when I’m not looking...shit hits me.
He’s asked for a letter. It occurs to me that I should have maybe kept this part of my personality hidden for a while longer. Instead of having the cute boys run and hide because I’m smart, I’ve managed to find one that hunts me down for sport. I’ve really got to start remembering that he is a sadist..but then again, I find that strangely comforting too. Does he really want to know these things? And why can’t I just make up something? You know why...you do feel these things, he’s asked to hear them, and you can’t give him anything but the truth. Good or bad, take it or leave it...he’s asked and you always do what you’re asked.
I should really try to remember that I don’t have to do that. Or do I? But anyway, he wants to know what I expect or want from him. What’s important to me, how he can help me find those things. Just what do I say to those things? I wonder how this one will come out.
How do I say to him that I expect nothing? How do I say to him that I expect everything? And do I really expect at all? Just what is he asking me? Maybe some of these conversations would be better off having when we’re actually together. No. That wouldn’t work. You can’t think properly yet when you’re with him. Don’t even try that one.
This has me worried. How do I tell him that really, when all is said and done, I can’t imagine wanting anyone more than him? That time with me is really all I’m hoping for at this point. I can’t make myself hope for anything else. I’m not able to ask...and I don’t think he’s able to give.
Or for good god...just go do it. It’ll be fine...stop worrying and just do it. There is some good news though. He’s fond of foot massages. That’s a good thing. Because like...you know...you’re fond of feet.