Tuesday, February 3, 2009

The Real Insanity Starts

I was pissed off at myself for allowing Merry to take that opportunity from me. I know she needed me, but damn. What am I doing? What am I really afraid of? Don’t think that I don’t know. I do. I’m just not telling anyone.

But, I did feel badly that I blew that chance. So, being polite, I apologized and asked for another chance. Wondering if I’d be beating a dead horse, or if he would understand.

Thankfully, not only was he understanding, he made me feel better for letting Merry lead me around by the skirt. Plans were made for another night, the next one. I decided not to answer my phone if Merry calls. If I’m busy, she can’t talk me into doing what she wants rather than what I do.

I thought about calling J. He did make me promise to call him before seeing someone, but instead, I wanted to do this on my own. Q wanted me to tell him where I was going, but I didn’t want him to get involved any more in my life. If he knew, the questions would start, the pouting, the annoying habit he has of trying to make me feel badly because I’m searching for something that I want. This is what I mean about Q and Co. I don’t fit into their models, so they try to make me. I don’t want to top or bottom. I want to be me. They won’t ever get that, and I’m tired of trying.
Despite J’s warnings to me, I decided that I had enough info to feel comfortable going alone. I do find myself asking if I’m insane. I barely know this person and I’m going to his house, and letting him tie me up? I think I am insane. And I really don’t know why.

I did tell Belle where I’d be, but only because I find it hard to keep a secret from her. She thinks its cute, and wants me to know that Sir isn’t really her “type”. I find that kind of funny considering how much alike we are, about things that she wants in a partner, and how much Sir is all of those things. At least I think he is. I’m pretty sure. He could actually turn out to be a serial killer, how the fuck would I know? But then, I don’t really think Q allows serial killers in his house. He might fantasize about being pounced on by one...but I’m pretty sure he draws the line at actual killing.

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