Friday, February 20, 2009

Party Without Sir

The LBD party was canceled. Instead we went to Q’s. I really didn’t want
to go, but what the hell...

I should have stayed home. I missed Sir and really wasn’t in the mood. That, and legal talk made me grr-y. But the cheesecake was good and I did meet C. Great tattoos.

Why is it that places where I would have had fun before now just seem empty? You know why. Its him.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Flea: Cigarettes, Whips and Head Games

So, this weekend finally came and went and now I’m even more fucking off my rocker than I was to start with.

The Fetish Flea. Providence. Friday and Saturday nights and Sunday with Sir et al. Friends and fun.

I ended up staying with Sir. Belle had decided that she would give (what she called) "the lovebirds", some privacy. I didn't have the heart to tell her that we weren't "lovebirds", just two people learning to get to know each other and that it might be easier to have her as a buffer. I really didn’t know what to expect, so I just decided to expect nothing and just let things flow. You know, that old- don’t expect you’re doomed to disappointment thing?

I did have my last cigarette Friday at 12. Just before I left to drive to meet Sir. I didn’t know how that was going to go over. But I found out soon enough.

Friday night went well. We had dinner at the Mall with some of Sir’s friends. It was loud, the food was bad, but the company was wonderful. I could so just stare in his eyes forever.

Afterwards, a little play, and sleep. He does snore. But not too badly. I think its kind of cute and its actually quite comforting...I know he’s there. He slept naked, but I don’t think he’s really used to that. Odd. He’s got such a hot little body that I just can’t keep my hands to home. I like that feeling.

But Saturday. Busy day, shopping (bought a really cool pair of heels from Joe the Shoe Guy), Midori's Predicament Bondage class, hanging out, bondage lounge, tickle lounge, and dinner with Sir P and S. I fell off my heels. I couldn’t believe when that happened. I don’t think I’ve fallen in heels more than a couple of times in my whole life and in just a few minutes...twice. Landed up-ended on my ass in the middle of the sidewalk. Said fuck it, laughed and took the damned shoes off. He might as well figure out that I’m adaptable now....I just don’t give a rat’s ass. I think he liked what I was wearing though. I couldn’t really tell. For some reason, I’m not sure if he likes things or not. Something in his eyes tells me that he’s got something in his head..but what, I’ve no idea. He's watching me and wondering...just as I am.

Had a cigarette meltdown. Dear lord, what the christ was I thinking? Giving up smokes just when my moods were likely to be all askew? It would have been easier to smoke one and get back to normal. But noooo I had to go and try to smart ass myself out of it..and then look what happens. Was I testing him? I don’t know. If so...I think he passed. He gave into me...while at the same time...I didn’t really have a choice but to do what would make him happy. What had gotten into me. This was supposed to be fun, enjoyable...and temporary. When did that change?

Whips. Now, whips have always been a little favorite of mine. But...I do have to be in a really good headspace to start. They hurt like the dickens...and if I’m not there...ouchie. I like the after feeling it’s a 50/50 kind of thing. But he likes them...a lot apparently.

It was nice though. He’s very good, but a little impatient. Or maybe I was just too bratty for him to be patient with. We’ll have to see. Got three pretty significant stripes. Those are gonna take a while to heal. He seemed to like it though...I wonder about sadists like that. Tearing skin off...I’ve never understood. But the high...I’d forgotten it felt like that. Found a little nice space afterwards...and stayed that way for a while.

Also on tap, some predicament that was pretty hot. Tickling, moving, of my favorite things. I love figuring things out...a way out...laughing together at my discomfort and his amusement at my solutions...until I don’t have one left. My heart just melted at the thought of him doing this to me. And, I think, I figured out why he’s so darned attractive to me. He’s creative, fun, and damned devious to use myself against me. In short...he’s just exactly the type I’m attracted to. Using myself and beating myself at me. I’m in a little trouble with this one.

Last up were parties. Elevators full of people, meeting people whose names I won’t remember tomorrow...and Q’s room party. Gurly in her dress, Renee with the electric, Jennifer in Sir’s rope. Why did that thought make me irritated? Ah yes...I wanted it to be me. But the look on her face...I’m glad he could make her feel that. Oh yes I am. But still a little empty. Even with the whip....still.

Sunday at the Flea...bondage lounge with Sir. Met his friend RiggerJay. He was wearing a kilt and had a pretty bad headache. I loved his knees and massaged his neck which was pretty good for both of us. But looking at Sir’s face...something didn’t look right. He’d given me his rope...but something wasn’t right.

Then the drive home, and time at his house to unwind. I wanted to stay, wanted to just sleep in his arms again. What have I done?

Friday, February 13, 2009

A Word About Collars

Collars are a pet peeve of mine.

I wore a collar for 11 years. It wasn't my first bdsm relationship, but it was the one that I considered would be my last. We didn't plan on him getting ill.

Collars have a meaning to me that is difficult to explain.

I met J when I was 24 years old. I'd come out of an abusive marriage, a few abusive relationships, and had almost given up trying to figure out just how to do what it is we do without getting myself into some serious trouble. J and I began our relationship as friends. Hours spent talking, walking, laughing and learning about each other. I never, in a million years, expected our relationship to turn into what it did. But when he put his collar on me that first time, I finally felt as if I'd found my own well-deserved happiness after all the bullshit I'd been through.

When he got his diagnosis, of necessity we parted. I'd wanted to go with him, but I had responsibilities that prevented it. That last day that we were together, I was so hurt at what I felt was an abandonment, that I threw my collar at him and stormed out. We've since repaired our friendship, and he's still the only person that knows everything about me.

But anyway, collars have a personal meaning to me and I don't really understand how things have gotten to the point where they're given, worn, and removed as fashion statements rather than a commitment to each other. I've struggled with this for years and I still don't understand it. I don't think that there's anything that could make me want to be collared to someone again. At least that's how I feel right now. Of course, since meeting Sir, I've been thinking a lot about that. Since we're not likely to become that deeply involved, I think it'll stay off the radar for a while. At least I hope.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Do Lists Ever Really Mean Shit?

Well I’ve done it. I just had to go and listen to that little devil in my know you stupid bitch...that one. Yes. That one that J put know what I’m talking about.

I gave Sir my list tonight. Why is it that I still listen to J? After all this time, why do I still think he even knows me anymore? But, try as I might, all those lessons...all those promises...I still can’t stop those.

Interesting letter I got back though. He told me about his previous sub. Now that’s a strange thing. What collar? Invisible strings meant to hold something that wasn’t yours to begin with? I don’t get it. I don’t think I can explain it either. What he must think of me. Wondering just what the fuck I mean when I say things. But then, sometimes I do the same.

But collars...oh dear jesus...that freaking scares the shit out of me. I really hope that this is not going there. But then I?

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

On Naming His Toys

Got a nice email from Sir today asking if I was ok. As I said...he’s nothing if not a gentleman.

I was in a good mood and told him my ass was a tad sore. His response? He said he now looks at his tawse and thinks “tad”. I told him it was a lovely name for that. I don’t think he quite got that joke though. I’ll have to work on the delivery over the internet. Its still lacking that tone.

He also teased me about the chest harness I did on Q. I hate tying anyone but you know...I just do things that are asked of me. I know how to say no, I just don’t often bother doing it. Too many issues and it’s just easier to do it and get it over with. I did take a nap. Dim Sum after a few hours of sleep...not a good thing. I did meet Jade though.

More chatting online. God I love our conversations. I can picture his face and I think strange thoughts...and do such odd things. Running my own nails along my neck. Sighing...what are you doing? Get a fucking grip on yourself. You know that this one won’t last either. He’s a nice guy, but really? How many have you met that turned out staying nice? Think about this. What are the odds that you’d meet someone again? J said it would happen, but its been too long. You’re just happy for some attention again.

He’ll figure out that you’re not right...not something...or that too much thing that always happens and he’ll make an excuse. Don’t get attached...just have some fun.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Kinky Karaoke

Sir asked me to attend a party at F’s house. I don’t know who F is, but anywhere with fine with me. I don’t really know yet what draws me to him...I like him. And although not someone I thought I’d be attracted to (not my type)
...apparently he’s exactly more my type than I first thought.

Our differences are remarkable, but the similarities are as well. Maybe that’s what we’re finding out is so interesting about each other....the things we aren’t...but that we finding that sort of works too.

We went to the party. I don't enjoy fetish clothing per se, so I figured I'd dress comfortably and wore a leather mini and thigh high boots. I couldn't realy tell if he liked it or not. Again with the looks.

On the way, we stopped for gas and coffee. Afterwards he'd told me that he enjoys having his date go inside for the coffee wearing their party clothes. I thought it was funny how he thought for some reason my walking into anywhere, dressed in anything would ever be embarrassing for me. Maybe for those looking, but not so much this way. But, large black coffee. Black. Can I just say yuck? I understand the coffee...but having to wait to drink it until it cools off...

So anyway...we get to F’s house. It’s a birthday party for him. Kids are there, his girlfriend’s mother is there...and I got the feeling that things weren’t exactly how they should have been at a party. Now, I do realize that its been a while, and I do realize that they could consider things a little differently in MA, but karaoke? Kids? Mothers?

The good part of all this is that I’m able to block this crap out. Many years of practice have given me the tools to become singularly focused when I need to. I focused instead on getting to know Sir. I sat as his feet, learned how he likes to
have his leg rubbed, and got some lovely pinches. All in all, I was generally quite happy to just have the time to quietly look at him. Dear lord, that’s just sick you know? Think about this. Looking at him? Wake the fuck up woulda?

About the only really downside to the night was that he wanted me to stay with him. How’s that the downside? I have nightmares. I can't control them and I don't always know when they'll appear. I just didn’t think that its, like you know, something that he should see right away. And besides, I did have breakfast with my little flower...pancakes and crayons at Denny’s. So, my excuse was real, even if the reason is just an excuse.

The bad part? He figured out I smoked. Funny how people don’t often realize that about me. I do it so seldom, but when I need one. My moods are just too much like a pendulum otherwise.

Oh, and he doesn’t like my rose perfume either. But, as a trade off, he has a nice W-wheel. And I do love that one.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Exclusivity or Exclusions

So, we had our conversation about expectations. He’s wondering if I’ll want to continue playing with others. Interesting how he put that one. Without committing himself.

Now the odd part? I don’t want to play with others. He’s more than I expected and I want to enjoy finding out what we can, about each other, together.

But still...I wonder what he means. That male thing...he’s theoretically ok with him doing it...but he’d get tweaked if I do? Hmpf.

Friday, February 6, 2009

And the Growling- I Forgot Another One

So, nobody seemed too tweaked. A few odd looks, gurlyman trying to look out for me. Raven and Fuzzy as a soccer ball and J and T giving me a hairy eyeball, it wasn’t too bad. After bondage club, Sir and I stayed around for a while. Belle in a yoga pretzel, rope flying in the cave...and then, as I was leaving, Sir P corralled me with rope around my neck.

I know that rope and I are friends..but WHY do I let that happen? Just as I think that I’m not showing my slut side, someone always shows up with rope? I got caught between Sir and Sir P and, with the combination of both, plus the really neat dog mat that Q had...and the fact that Sir had been pinching me and touching me most of the night....I figure I could be excused. I’d apparently lost my mind.

But the growling. I’d forgotten about that one too. I think a phone call to J might be in order. I need to be reminded of just exactly what I’ve forgotten in the weird reaction department.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

A Decent's Night Sleep

I received an email from Sir today. He asked about how I was feeling. Actually, that little email meant a whole lot. Responsibility. That’s very attractive in someone. Part of me wondered if he was asking me how I liked him though. I told him that I felt wonderful and that I’d had the best night’s sleep I’ve had in years. He won’t understand that reference, but maybe he will someday.

And, the bonus...bondage club tomorrow. I wonder how that will be? And I wonder what people are going to think about us being together. I wish they’d understand, but the narrow-mindedness might just be a side-effect of being unkinky kinky people.

Will my friends understand that I was never Merry's? I only let her borrow me for a little while?

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Oh Shit, How Could I Have Forgotten to Mention That?

My first thought...oh shit. When he started with the spanking and I started to laugh...the only thing I could think of was THIS is why people don’t like to play with me. It was a little surprising to him, the laughing...I can’t tell if he liked or hated it.

After it was done, he sat me on his lap, he started touching me...and something inside of me said “this is good”. And it was. I felt him. In the past month, I’d fantasized, obsessed, and imagined just what that would feel like...and it was even better than I’d ever could have imagined.

Tying One On

I arrived at his house after a snowy ride up Route 9. I missed the turn somewhere, but this time fate was kind and somehow I ended up right in front of his street. Almost missed it and would have if he hadn’t warned me about the narrowness of it. I took a deep breath and knocked.

We chatted over pizza, viewed his artwork, chatted some more....and then just sort of stopped. I think we both were kind of saying “ how does this go now?”. He appeared to be a little uncomfortable with the rope..but I think I’d tweaked him enough that he sort of had something to prove to me too. Either that, or we were both just wondering what the fuck was going to happen? How was I going to react? What if it just sucked?

When we started, he was paying such close attention that it was interesting. It felt good to have his hands on me. He gets the touching part too. I really tried to stay with him, although there were a couple of times that I felt myself go...and breathed to come back quickly. I didn’t want to space out...I wanted to pay attention and feel what was happening. And it felt pretty darned good.

After I was wrapped in his hug, he put me on the floor...kneeling. OMG, did he have any idea? How could he have figured that one out so quickly? Then I thought he just was looking at me and figuring that this was the best place for the next thing.

Funny, I do remember asking him for a 1/2 way decent spanking...but I also don’t remember talking about doing it on the first time together either. insanity knows no bounds...I’ll have to remember that in the future.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

The Real Insanity Starts

I was pissed off at myself for allowing Merry to take that opportunity from me. I know she needed me, but damn. What am I doing? What am I really afraid of? Don’t think that I don’t know. I do. I’m just not telling anyone.

But, I did feel badly that I blew that chance. So, being polite, I apologized and asked for another chance. Wondering if I’d be beating a dead horse, or if he would understand.

Thankfully, not only was he understanding, he made me feel better for letting Merry lead me around by the skirt. Plans were made for another night, the next one. I decided not to answer my phone if Merry calls. If I’m busy, she can’t talk me into doing what she wants rather than what I do.

I thought about calling J. He did make me promise to call him before seeing someone, but instead, I wanted to do this on my own. Q wanted me to tell him where I was going, but I didn’t want him to get involved any more in my life. If he knew, the questions would start, the pouting, the annoying habit he has of trying to make me feel badly because I’m searching for something that I want. This is what I mean about Q and Co. I don’t fit into their models, so they try to make me. I don’t want to top or bottom. I want to be me. They won’t ever get that, and I’m tired of trying.
Despite J’s warnings to me, I decided that I had enough info to feel comfortable going alone. I do find myself asking if I’m insane. I barely know this person and I’m going to his house, and letting him tie me up? I think I am insane. And I really don’t know why.

I did tell Belle where I’d be, but only because I find it hard to keep a secret from her. She thinks its cute, and wants me to know that Sir isn’t really her “type”. I find that kind of funny considering how much alike we are, about things that she wants in a partner, and how much Sir is all of those things. At least I think he is. I’m pretty sure. He could actually turn out to be a serial killer, how the fuck would I know? But then, I don’t really think Q allows serial killers in his house. He might fantasize about being pounced on by one...but I’m pretty sure he draws the line at actual killing.

Moment of Insanity

So, after all is said and done, I made plans to meet Meredith to tell her about Sir. She’s in the hospital at Lahey, and I’m worried to death. Things aren’t going so well, and that little operation has turned into a whole lot more than we bargained for.

I talked to her today and told her that we needed to talk. If she wasn’t going to tell her wife that she needed to be Meredith, that she needed her friends...or that she, herself, needed me, then our relationship would just have to take second place to my own life. We’d still be friends, we’d still have the happy, the pictures, the tickles, but I could never be happy with just those things.

It has occurred to me yet again that I am speaking a foreign language. Either that, or her hearing is a lot worse than it should be for such a young broad.

I made plans to meet Sir at his house to see what would happen with rope. I’m quite curious about that one actually. Personally, I don’t think much. It’s been too long for me to remember. Although Sir Percy was very nice, and I was rope-high, I wonder if its simply that it was just too long.

Maybe though, it’s just that I’ve been too annoyed with tying others.

I have to keep telling myself that rope isn’t the “end-all” for me..only the beginning. There’s other beginnings that are just as nice.

Well, sort of.

I got hung up with Merry though at the hospital. Sir called while I was there and I felt that opportunity thing slipping away. Why is that I seem to say one thing to Merry...but end up doing something else? My infatuation with heels and men in skirts knows no bounds.