Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Merry's Last Time, My First in a Long Time


My best friend, Meredith---Merry, was very ill and facing major cancer surgery on January 15. She'd been going downhill for several weeks and I’d spent a lot of time with her trying to keep her spirits up, her mind occupied, and giving her some fun memories to hold onto for the weeks that she wouldn’t be able to even get out of the house. We’d made plans for fun things in March, we’d talked and gotten a lot of the fear out, but we knew that our relationship would undergo a drastic change when it happened. We're trying to fit in years of being together into three months. We’ve had lots of fun, shared lots of everything. She considered me her girlfriend, but I never really thought about Merry as anything other than my friend girl. With added tickle benefits.

But during the time we were making those memories, we had gone to a rope class together. January 7: Chair ties at Bondage Club. First class of the year. She wasn’t feeling very well, and so I was left pretty much on my own to have fun, such as it was, with me learning how to tie people up when all I really wanted was to be the one tied....and doing this while keeping an eye on her. My attention was divided and I was distracted and annoyed.

When she’d disappear for long whiles, I’d get nervous and go looking for her. Making sure she was ok. She always said that she was and told me to go back and have fun...not to worry about her. But part of me stayed anyway. That sane part of my brain that worries about people I care about too much.

Or is that the insane part?

And when that happens, things can sneak up on me. Feelings that I prefer not to feel, little chinks in my armor appear, as if I can’t concentrate on keeping myself together and keeping up my mask when so much of my energy is focused on someone else. There’s not enough of me to split between those things and so, I chose Merry that night. I’d been to these classes before. I was safe in that choice. Nobody ever bothered looking at me, bothered talking to me, bothered finding out who I as...they just let Meredith define me. And, I let her do it. It was easier that way.

While I was distracted with keeping an eye on her, not really paying attention to those around me, I met him. I walked into the room and saw him and one thought entered my head and some weird feeling slammed into my brain. As worried as I was about Merry, I just couldn’t not be attracted to him. I don’t even really know if I can put a name to the feeling...but if you’ve ever thought about how being struck by lightening might feel like...I’d think this was double that.

First, just let me say that he isn’t the “type” that I’m usually attracted to. I wear 5 inch heels generally, so that makes me in the 5'8" range...and so I like men to be at least several inches taller than I am. I also am usually drawn to blond men, and men with striking blue or green eyes. I generally also prefer them to be at least 10 years or so older than I am. That one though, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve relaxed just a bit. But, he was wearing black pants...and he did have a nice ass. Those are two of my favorite things on men. And he smelled nice.

But looking at him...what I felt...was something undefinable. I just looked at him and saw something in him. Something that called to a long hidden part of me, woke it up, and teased it to the forefront of my brain. His laughter, his voice, his silver hair, his eyes, the way he looked over his glasses. He was polite, smiling, happy and funny. And when he touched my arm and asked if I had a kinky sister, I knew that I had met someone that I wanted to get to know a whole lot better. And most of all...I wondered what he’d feel like to touch. I wanted to just put my hand on his face and feel it.

Now, I couldn’t quite figure out how to do that, given that I was supposed to be there keeping an eye on Meredith.

That was Merry’s last class for a while, while it was the first time I’d felt something that intense for anyone in a long time.

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