Saturday, January 31, 2009

Conclusion of Part One, Minus Two

So, that’s what my first few weeks of 2009 were like for me. I lost a husband that I’m not too upset about losing. Saddened, but not upset. I had a best girlfriend almost disappear from my life. I’m upset about that one though. That’s the Minus Two.

But the plus one? Well, Sir and I are still moving along, moving forward, discovering and exploring together. Yet again...I’ve given up on physical manifestations of hope...I don’t need anymore opportunities...I’m quite content with finding that one that worked and letting it finally leave me on that upswing on the roller coaster ride.

I can live without the headaches.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The Next, Next Day

Ok, so things weren’t going as I’d hoped. I was too involved with Merry at our first meeting, and too busy trying to tie Q at our second.

I asked myself what I hoped to accomplish by giving myself these headaches. And my answer was that I was hoping to get rid of them. I thought about him some more, thought about the things he’d written, how he’d said things to me, the looks we’d given each other when both of us thought the other wasn’t looking...and thought...”What if he’s trying to figure this out too?”

I took another shot at contact through Fetlife. But when I’d gone there to figure out some coy way of talking to him, he’d gotten there first. He had left a message to let me know he’d been thinking about me. Of course, this message was in the guise of inquiring about Meredith, but this point...I’d figured out that opportunity works for everyone the same way...

well, maybe not the headaches...but the rest of it does.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Just How Annoying Rope Can Actually Be?

I had already told Q that I’d attend Roperider's Bound in Boston shibari class with him. I’d tie him this time. He likes that a lot. And I do like Q, I just didn’t “like” him in “that” way. He met the age requirement..but everything else....not so much. Besides, switches just seem to me like they’re too wishy-washy. Chose one side or the other. I guess I’ve just never been able to see that particular thing from both sides. My own bias. I’m working on that.

But he was there with NorthernBelle. Now, I love Belle. We’re a lot alike, she and I. We have common ground to build a friendship. We just get each other. I like that. But, that day...I was just a tad bit jealous of her. You see, she was his ropebottom that day...while I was Q’s ropetop. I didn’t find either of those things all that attractive and that throbbing in my head was beginning again.

But I did my best. I tried hard, and I think I might actually have learned a little more. Rope is something that I could figure out if I wanted to. After all, I’ve been an eel long enough to know how things work. It’s just that the application and the escape are from opposing sides. I might have to think about that some more though.

During the break, D brought out his prototype fan. Belle and I got really excited about that one and then all of a sudden, he ended up with it in his hands. And I felt that manifestation otherwise known as opportunity coming my way. Aha! I thought...ask him to spank you with it! You saw his face, he’s got the fan...give it a shot!

Sadly, to my overly hopeful brain...he was nice about it.

At the end of the class, we decided to go out for pizza. I was a little angry that Q put me on the end of the table...I’d really hoped to be sitting next to him. Giving myself a chance to look at him, speak to him. Instead, I was at the furthest point away from him that I could be. Opposite ends of the table on different sides. But, it gave me a unique perspective watching him. And I could see his smile...even if I couldn’t really hear him speak. On the ride home, I started talking to Q and Belle about him while trying to hide my interest. I don’t know what each of them might have thought and I’m not sure what I said.

All in all, it was a nice night spent together from across two rooms. But, at least my headache was kept at bay

Saturday, January 17, 2009

The Day After

I went to work and started thinking about how things had gone. I wasn’t really tired, but I could still feel that pounding in my head. That one that tells me that not only am I going to have a migraine, but there is a real possibility of having an aneurysm.

Mostly I was still irritated with Meredith. But I couldn’t stop thinking about him.

I’d been on Fetlife pretty infrequently. I really thought that there wasn’t anyone that I’d already met that I would actually find all that much in common with. A few of my friends, but not many. A few new friends, but not many of them either. Those sort of kink-related sites weren’t really my kink. Online relationships of any kind...didn’t even want to think about how disturbing that could be given my own kinks.

But, that morning, I searched Fet with a vengeance. I’d tried to remember everything about him, and only could remember his name. Unique in and of itself, because I don’t generally remember names...and now that everyone has two or three different ones...I find it even more difficult. This is one of the things that pisses me off to no end about “scene names” or “screen names” do you find people?

I searched Q’s profile and tried to figure out who he might be. I read many profiles and tried to find the one that might be him. Then I hit on it. Thankful that he actually was one of the rare ones that preferred his like you-know...actual name.

But how to contact him without coming off like a needy giggler? How to let him know that I wanted to be my kinky sister, while trying like hell not to get too interested should he have only been pulling my leg. How do I tell him I’m not like Q & Company? I’m me?

I looked at his profile for a while, read it a couple of times, looked at the things he’d written, who he already had friended and who were friends of mine. I liked what he had written, even if it wasn’t really enough for me to get a feel for all of was enough for me to at least start a conversation. I thought that I’d just thank him for helping me learn about the chair tie. And I am nothing if not polite to rope-people.

We began our conversations slowly and about things other than kink. Well, some of them were kink-related, but not kinky...there’s a big difference. We talked about lots of things, joked with each other, and listened to each other.

I began my love affair with him during those conversations. And, best of all he was attending another event only a few days later.

I’d get to see him again.

Thursday, January 15, 2009


I’ve always procrastinated with opportunities. I’ve seldom taken advantage of them when they appeared, I mostly ignored them. I felt like it was hope kicking me in the face...taunting me with a physical manifestation of hope.

That’s opportunity. A way for fate to get in on the act of that headache and turn it into a migraine.

When the class was over, and after we’d gathered together for one final pitiful group chair tie, and once many of the people had left, I watched him. He had an interesting little toy that I wasn’t familiar with. I was curious about it, and asked to try to it. He pinged me twice...which felt interesting and pretty darned hot...and then I looked at Meredith’s face. She was turning green around the edges. She often does that when she’s near things that “hurt”. So, I sat with her, comforted her, explained it didn’t really was actually kind of a neat sensation...a little stingy but nice. She’d gotten up again because she wasn’t feeling well, and told me I should stay. When she returned, I was sitting in a chair, across the room from Merry,who was still looking green.

In the general chaos of talking, laughing, and rope, an interesting thing was happening. I was watching him and Sir P play together with a friend and that little toy. She was really liking it...but the smile on his face was delicious, and Sir P was his usual touchy-feely self. That’s what he does best I think. Touching. He gets that.

When the marks started to appear though, Merry looked like she was going to throw up. I walked across the room and sat next to her, holding her hand, asking her if she wanted to leave. She was fascinated and disgusted at the same time, while I just kept watching his face. The way his eyes got narrower, the smile got harder, the lines of his jaw tightened up. Something about that face fascinated me. I wanted to feel what he was feeling...or was it that I wanted to feel him? I felt that little part of my brain tell me to step away from the dominant...back right the fuck up....right now. But, as I said, I was distracted.

What I noticed most though, was the way he touched her. I was glad Merry was feeling this one, because I had a much better view of his face and his actions from sitting on the couch next to Merry. The way he held onto her, comforted her, talked to her through the pain, that’s what I saw. My heart started beating faster, my breath was caught in my lungs, my eyes were focused on him, and my own hands got hot. Merry finally bolted, but told me to stay.

When they were finished, he ended up sitting next to me. I told him that Meredith had some medical issues, and that she’d be fine. But while she was gone, he started talking to me.

There it was again. That way of speaking that told me that he was more intelligent, more self-aware, and much more than I’d first thought, and than I'd expected to ever find at Bondage Club. And as usual, my questions started. Just who the hell was this person? And where the hell did he come from? And where had he been all this long time? And why hadn’t I met him before Meredith? Things would have been a whole lot easier on me then I think.

I had supposed that everyone that I’d met was more or less confused about themselves...too many switches...too many unsure and multi-flexible orientations...too many into the kink, but not actually kinky. But not him. He wasn’t confused at all.

But he was sure confusing me.

He told me about his feelings the first time he’d spanked someone. My ears perked up, my curiosity got the better of me...and I ignored the potential migraine for that opportunity. To talk to him, to just open my mouth and start that conversation that I’d really wanted to have. I smiled, I flirted, I showed him my heels...all things that Meredith was comfortable with...and trying to regain some of my brain from the distraction.

But by then Merry was back, still green, and needing some distraction of her own. so it was photos, heels, and posing...that’s what she wanted. So, I just gave into her whims, ignored mine, and he disappeared.

Meredith and I went upstairs to talk. She really did have a hard time with that stick. The marks, the “scene”, but mostly with the woman’s clothing and shoes. We snuggled for a bit, which always makes her feel better, and I tried to explain about the things that she’d missed in her horror of the clothing. She was cold, tired, in pain and she was pissing me off about the clothing thing.

So, to bring her back to reality of what she was really squicked about, I started talking about what he had talked to me about. I kept mentioning his name so much, that Merry got pissed and asked me if I wanted him...if I were “hot” for him. I told her, that yes. I was. That she and I loved each other, but that was a different kind of love. It wasn’t a kind that I could have for my own, couldn’t live like that with only tiny pieces of time spent together, and that I needed someone who would let me spend the time with them that I needed.

We had our first disagreement that night, but in the end, we left the class as we always had. And, as we separated at Denny’s afterwards, I’d felt the pang of that lost opportunity.

And I actually did have a migraine.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Merry's Last Time, My First in a Long Time

My best friend, Meredith---Merry, was very ill and facing major cancer surgery on January 15. She'd been going downhill for several weeks and I’d spent a lot of time with her trying to keep her spirits up, her mind occupied, and giving her some fun memories to hold onto for the weeks that she wouldn’t be able to even get out of the house. We’d made plans for fun things in March, we’d talked and gotten a lot of the fear out, but we knew that our relationship would undergo a drastic change when it happened. We're trying to fit in years of being together into three months. We’ve had lots of fun, shared lots of everything. She considered me her girlfriend, but I never really thought about Merry as anything other than my friend girl. With added tickle benefits.

But during the time we were making those memories, we had gone to a rope class together. January 7: Chair ties at Bondage Club. First class of the year. She wasn’t feeling very well, and so I was left pretty much on my own to have fun, such as it was, with me learning how to tie people up when all I really wanted was to be the one tied....and doing this while keeping an eye on her. My attention was divided and I was distracted and annoyed.

When she’d disappear for long whiles, I’d get nervous and go looking for her. Making sure she was ok. She always said that she was and told me to go back and have fun...not to worry about her. But part of me stayed anyway. That sane part of my brain that worries about people I care about too much.

Or is that the insane part?

And when that happens, things can sneak up on me. Feelings that I prefer not to feel, little chinks in my armor appear, as if I can’t concentrate on keeping myself together and keeping up my mask when so much of my energy is focused on someone else. There’s not enough of me to split between those things and so, I chose Merry that night. I’d been to these classes before. I was safe in that choice. Nobody ever bothered looking at me, bothered talking to me, bothered finding out who I as...they just let Meredith define me. And, I let her do it. It was easier that way.

While I was distracted with keeping an eye on her, not really paying attention to those around me, I met him. I walked into the room and saw him and one thought entered my head and some weird feeling slammed into my brain. As worried as I was about Merry, I just couldn’t not be attracted to him. I don’t even really know if I can put a name to the feeling...but if you’ve ever thought about how being struck by lightening might feel like...I’d think this was double that.

First, just let me say that he isn’t the “type” that I’m usually attracted to. I wear 5 inch heels generally, so that makes me in the 5'8" range...and so I like men to be at least several inches taller than I am. I also am usually drawn to blond men, and men with striking blue or green eyes. I generally also prefer them to be at least 10 years or so older than I am. That one though, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve relaxed just a bit. But, he was wearing black pants...and he did have a nice ass. Those are two of my favorite things on men. And he smelled nice.

But looking at him...what I felt...was something undefinable. I just looked at him and saw something in him. Something that called to a long hidden part of me, woke it up, and teased it to the forefront of my brain. His laughter, his voice, his silver hair, his eyes, the way he looked over his glasses. He was polite, smiling, happy and funny. And when he touched my arm and asked if I had a kinky sister, I knew that I had met someone that I wanted to get to know a whole lot better. And most of all...I wondered what he’d feel like to touch. I wanted to just put my hand on his face and feel it.

Now, I couldn’t quite figure out how to do that, given that I was supposed to be there keeping an eye on Meredith.

That was Merry’s last class for a while, while it was the first time I’d felt something that intense for anyone in a long time.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Roller Coaster Ride Begins

I always hope that a new year will bring better things and 2009 was no different. I think- “this year, I will...” (you fill in the blanks), but it always seems that January 1 always brings me just a bit of hope. I have tried not to do this, but despite my best efforts...hope just kind of worms its way into my brain. And once it’s there...I start believing.

Usually by January 2, the hopes are suffering from a headache.

But this year, my hope lasted until January 12. I had a few extra days of hope this year, mostly because I didn’t spend a whole lot of that time at home...and I was with Merry having fun....which, in retrospect, probably made things just a little harder when that headache hit. I’m used to feeling that hope hangover headache right away. I’m not used to having it ten whole days later.

My husband and I hadn’t really gotten along in over 10 years. We’d just hung on so long because we’re both procrastinators. If there ever was something that just had to get done in our house, it was a race to see who could put it off longer. Apathy. That’s the only word that fits here. We just didn’t even care enough to care. Nothing was “bad”, it was just that there wasn’t a whole lot of “good” either...and neither of us cared enough to bother trying to either make some...or pretend anymore.

But on January 12, 2009, after years of living together but not really living with each other, he asked for The Divorce. I knew it was coming, I just didn’t know when. And his timing couldn’t have been worse.

Or all depends on how you look at things.