What Part of NO do you NOT Understand Reid Mihalko?

To say I'm livid is an understatement. I'm so incredibly angry that my hands are shaking.

If you follow me on twitter (since my account is now locked, if you don't already, don't bother to look), you'll get some idea of what happened this weekend when I attended a sexuality conference.  

One of the things I rely on as a kinkster is my ability to keep the parts of my life separate. I do not appear in public with my kids as SilverDreams, and I do not appear at kink/sex events under my real name. I have a scene name for a reason. It's my decision and even if you don't agree, you don't have to. I don't ask that you like it, I only ask that you respect my wishes.  

Because this particular conference was a very definite educational setting, and included others who absolutely cannot attend those events under their real names, and because the event had a clear, published and several times-reiterated photo policy, I felt pretty comfortable attending. Was there a chance my photo would be taken? Sure. With cell phones, you can't ever guarantee that someone won't take your photo. But it was a small risk, given that I was with some of the "elite" in sex education.  

To be perfectly clear, there was not one moment I was at the conference out of my room where I did not have my "NO PHOTOS" button on. Not a single moment. 

Reid Mihalko is a self-described "Sex Geek".  To me, he's more of a self-absorbed juvenile asshat, but that's just my opinion. Hey- you have yours, I have mine.  When I attended a conference on the West Coast last year, Reid took my picture in a crowd shot (also wearing a NO PHOTO button) and posted it to twitter. I started getting my twitter friends, who were following the conference tweets, asking me if I knew my photo was on the internet.  I saw the picture, and asked Reid to take it down. That he did so immediately made me feel at least he was responsive to my concerns and that it was just an honest mistake.

But this past weekend, Reid was taking pictures of everything (and by everything I mean, as long as he was in the shot). This time, among several other pictures of crowd shots (many people whom also had no photo buttons), he posted a picture of three people working the conference, ALL OF WHOM WERE CLEARLY WEARING NO PHOTOS BUTTONS. I was one of those people.

Reading comprehension should really be taught in school.  NO MEANS NO.

No means no whether it's in a bar, in a conference, or on the street. No means do not. Don't do it. Stop. Cut it out, and well, just plain NO. (if you're unclear on this concept, I really suggest that you not be around people until you can figure that out).

A couple of things are tweaking my ass right now. The first is that he, a self-professed Sex Educator (but really, read his CV sometime- cuddle parties? Tae Kwan Do? Speed Flirting?) disregarded my explicit NO.  That's right folks, he couldn't figure out consent if it bit him in the ass. And what happens in return? He posts to FaceBook in such a way to garner sympathy from his readers. (read this as "poor me, I fucked up", please cuddle with me?).  He apologizes to me on twitter, using a page from Charlie Glickman's "learn how to apologize" blog post and tells me that he'll give me space unless I tell him to contact me. That's right. A twitter apology. It's almost as bad as breaking up with someone via email.

Fat fucking chance. You deserve every ounce of venom I feel right now. Twice.

One of his readers even go so far on that post to imply that it's the "universe's way of saying EVERYONE should be outed".  (victim blame much?)

Yeah, well fuck you.

Which brings me to my second tweak right now.  You might imagine, I was wondering how the rest of the sex educators at the conference might be all over his ass for his appallingly bad judgment and taking him to task for his continual juvenile behavior when it comes to his definite lack of self-control.

The silence is deafening.

I'm done. There truly is no safe space to discuss ideas. I wish you all well with each other because by your silence, you're all condoning Mr. Mihalko's behavior this past weekend.

And I won't be part of it.

A View From My Side

I'm frustrated. Although many people know that I'm involved in a local BDSM group (one of the longest running in our part of the country in fact), few know that I'm the education chair for that group.

As education chair, it's my mission to find qualified, interesting, and exciting people to present for our monthly class. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to book presenters for my group. I'm not really sure what all of the reasons for this are, but I think much of it has to do with something I call the "Mollena Effect" (ME).

ME happened several months ago when Mollena Williams (a national presenter at kink events) wrote a post about how she was pretty annoyed at event organizers who appear to be making shit tons of money off her appearing, while at the same time not paying her what she was worth. She talked about how presenting at kink events was her job; and that by insulting her by offering comped admission to the event in lieu of payment devalued her time, effort and skills. She talked about event organizers finding "sponsors" to cover the costs of her appearances, and she made a lot of todo about how it was wrong of people to ask her to present for free.

I'm not disagreeing with her point of view. If she wishes to be paid, then she should be. And she shouldn't accept those engagements which don't offer her exactly the remuneration she wishes, under the terms which are acceptable to her. I wouldn't take a job personally where I felt unvalued.

But the fallout from her post about this subject has hit smaller groups especially hard. The local groups who have under 200 members (many with less than 100); whose market won't support ticket prices of $50 or more for a few hour presentation. The local groups who have many kinksters who have to find babysitters, make travel arrangements, and travel for an hour or more, just to attend a presentation.  The local groups who have many more new members who have never heard of a Mollena Williams. The local groups with people whose first and sometimes only foray into kinkydom is that group. The people coming into the scene who have never heard of Dark Odyssey, Floating World or Shibaricon. The people finding their own version of the Fifty Shades of whatever floats them and need to learn to do this safely.

What the ME has done has created an "us vs. them" scenario. "Us" being the presenters; while "Them" being the event organizers.  The downside, is that even small event organizers are being lumped in with the national events, while every presenter now believes that he or she is "worth it".

My frustation comes from the short-sightedness of this attitude. And the fallout from it.

Every single presenter I've booked in the last several months has increased their fee to present almost beyond the point where we can afford to pay it. They're pricing themselves out of the small local markets, with the hope that they'll be able to translate their skills to a national market. The obvious problem is that even with the dozens of really large events that the kink world has going on in a year, there is still a pretty small market for those events.  Even local presenters, who would have happily presented for our group in the past for gas money, dinner and perhaps a membership to our group, now demand an ever increasing fee. Or worse- percentage of the door. Before expenses.

As a result, I've had to find other ways to fulfill my goal of providing a monthly class. I've tried to do it with sponsorships but I've run into two problems with this: first, there's not enough money to be had from kink-friendly companies to go around; and second, the presenters are more "well known" in their own small corner of kinkdom than they are to many of the companies.

I've tried to book local presenters. But these same people have read the threads on Fetlife and follow all of those top presenters, and instead of earning their chops by learning to present, they too have started asking for more.

And lest you think I'm a cheap bitch, I'll disclose here and say that we do pay our presenters. I'll also disclose here and tell you that I also have presented for various groups over the past few years. I've been on both sides now, and while I'm still very willing to present for any local group who might want me to, I don't expect to make my living from doing it.

I'll also tell you that every single class I booked last year, lost money. That's right. Every. Single. Class.  Even with those top presenters who assured us that they "would put butts in the chairs". Not a single one did. Top tier, brand new, it didn't matter. We lost money on every single class. Although I will say that the loss was much easier to take when the presenter was delivering what he/she promised.  Not many do. In fact, one presenter we'd lost a shit ton of money bringing in recently was bemoaning the fact that nobody was hiring him anymore.

My guess is here's why:

The cost for my venue at a local hotel willing to host our class is roughly $350.  My average attendee pays $10.00 per class. We've tried $20, but that dropped attendance too far. $10 for a two hour class, away from public transportation, is about what  this market will bear.  So, in order for me to break even, I have to fill 35 seats. Not unrealistic for the most part, right? We do that pretty regularly.

That presenter who complained about nobody hiring him anymore? Well he charged us 50% of the door. Before expenses. He assured us that he would bring in people, that he'd advertise for us. However, when the reality of the class came, he filled 36 seats. That's right. He brought one more person in. For that one person extra, we paid him $180.00 (1/2 of the door). We took in $360.00. We therefore netted minus $90.00.  That one extra person cost us $90.00.

Now, let's see about the presenter who presented last month for us. She cost us nothing. She did it for the price of her membership in our group for the year ($30). She is a relative no-name. She had 36 people in the class. We still technically lost money, but it wasn't nearly so hard losing $20 on a membership for the night as it was the $90 in cash. The other difference is is that she didn't make promises of putting butts in the chairs and she did advertise the class.

Who do you think I want to book the next time?

So why do we still do this you might ask.

Well, despite all of the aggravation we go through every single month to find a presenter, (notice I didn't say "educator"- that's another whole can of worms) I still think what we provide to the community is important.

We provide the gateway for all of those new people who will eventually find their way to the Floating Worlds, Shibaricons and Dark Odysseys.

We provide the means for people new to kink to "dip their toes" into the water without it becoming overwhelming at a three day conference with dozens and dozens of classes.

We provide the social, non-play, environment for people to get to know each other while learning something fun.

I would dearly love to bring many of the "name" presenters in to speak to our group. But I can't afford them, so I no longer ask. We've tried partnering with other groups to share the costs- but all that really does is increase the costs and therefore the loss (a class for each group costs more money- and really, there's few presenters people want to hear twice in a weekend, so attendance is split rather than doubled).  I no longer ask these people to present. I've found my way around that. I'm taking chances on brand new people. People who have energy, passion, and an interest in sharing a subject. People who are happy to cut their chops on a new group; people who want to try out new material; people who just want to share what they love. Instead of worrying that I'm losing money on top names, I'm grooming the next group of top names.

If there's one thing I can be absolutely sure about, it's that there's always someone else.

For another point of view- Sarah Sloane has written a great post here.

You're Not Listening

To paraphrase what I read this morning:

I was so in love with this man, I let him do anything he wanted, not taking the time to realize that he was an asshole. And when shit went wrong, I blamed everyone else because they didn't warn me, or support me in my pain.

I'm really sorry honey, but you were warned. You just didn't listen. You just chose to ignore all those things that people had been telling you because you found something that resembled BDSM. You found a guy who liked to beat the hell out of you. You found an asshole who convinced you that he was some sort of god. You found a douchenozzle who took advantage of your ignorance, your naivete and your refusal to use your goddamned brain.  Did you deserve to be treated like that? Of course not. But did you listen?

 Did you listen when more experienced people who were NOT looking to play with you, fuck you or master you told you to slow down, get to know these guys before giving everything up?  Or did you listen to your desire, put blinders on, and hope for the best?

Did you listen when people told you that BDSM wasn't about losing your voice and power? Did you listen when we told you it was about FINDING your voice and power first? Or did you listen to those who said that a good submissive doesn't SAY anything?

Did you listen to the people who have done this for many years without harm? Or were your examples others who didn't listen?  Did you learn to walk by first running?

Did you listen to all those other people who wondered every goddamned day for the past three years why the hell trust seems to be given so easily to people whose last name you don't even know?

Did you listen when we said that whatever it is that you think you were doing, it isn't BDSM?

Its OK. I'm firmly under the belief that for most people, you can show them a brick wall, tell them not to run into it because it'll hurt, and they still won't believe you. They have to experience the wall first hand to know that it'll hurt.  What I find pretty annoying though is being told that we didn't tell you about that wall. We did. You just weren't listening.

So I doubt you'll listen now. But here goes.

BDSM isn't what you think you're doing.  Whatever it is you're doing, if you keep getting hurt, it's not BDSM. You're playing at sexy games, without much in the way of common sense. Your version of BDSM feels good. It alleviates your responsibility for your own dark sexy desires. It is exciting. It is dark. Dangerous.

But BDSM isn't for the foolish. It doesn't work when you aren't able to tell the difference between a "good guy" and one just looking to get into your pants (and we all have made those mistakes). It isn't about giving up everything to the first guy in leather and it certainly isn't about blaming everyone else who didn't "protect you" from harm. Look in the mirror, sweetheart. See that girl there? She is the only one who needs to stop and think before letting Mr. Domly Dom tie her up and take away her power. Nobody can think for her. And nobody will rush into save her when the shit goes wrong. So she'd better have a backup plan for her own protection. And if she can't do that, then join a fucking book club instead. But remember- paper cuts aren't fun and do try not to blame the tree for it, okay?

As a good friend said once, "this is like playing with a table saw. There are guides and safety procedures to follow, but yet- people still cut off their fingers".

But I'm guessing that whatever it is you think you're doing, you're still not listening.

CatalystCon: How Nutella Gave Me Back my Blog

Wow. I can't believe it's been over two months since I wrote my last post. But, a lot of things have happened in that time, and I really haven't felt the pull to write about much of it. Misery may love company, but I prefer to keep much of my misery off the interwebs.

So here's the short version. 

As my friends know, I got a new job- which I hate- but which also came with a ridiculously short commute (if I were working from home, it would be shorter, but not by much). I also got a new car (which I love); helped with some major problems with my family; made it through the festivities surrounding the boy's big day; and oh yeah- there was that little glitch in my relationship with Septimus that I'm putting down to some sort of male temporary insanity. [Note to my friends in the know- things seem to be looking up].

But there were some really awesome things that happened too. Not least of which was attending Catalystcon.  I think that had not Dee Dennis caught me in a moment of weakness (read this as a moment of martinis...or three) and convinced me to attend, I'd still be looking at my blog as something that doesn't fit me very much anymore.

I'm not going to make you snooze with all the details (to hell, I'm not, check here and here and here and here). I'm just going to tell you about of few of the things that made this the very first conference of any sort that I've attended which didn't make me feel like an outsider. 

Perhaps the thing that did it for me this time was that I immediately found kindred souls and a very warm welcome from @DeeDennis, the @EvilSlutClique (Jezebel and Lilith), a lovely bird (@Dalliances); and my roomie @Ms_Darling.   Together, the six of us were self-titled as The Girl Gang. In the down time between the conference sessions, this Girl Gang shared meals, beds, ideas, stories, jokes, laughter, and nutella. I'm not going to go into details of which went where. You can fill in your own blanks. We worked together very well; got done what had to be done; and were ready with the nutella and french martinis at all hours.

But what really did it for me this time was that at this conference, people were more than willing to just talk- without ego and especially without all that nasty privilege shit that went on the last conference I attended.  I caught @reidaboutsex, who was more than willing to share some very excellent ideas on marketing and fundraising; I spoke with @RobinsRedNest a great many times about @ScarletTeen, sex and disability, and relationships. I got a nice few minutes with @BuckAngel at the end of his session and I got to talk with @MissMaggieMayhem and @The_Ned in detail about several dozen topics including consent, thumbsucking, and weasels.

I think that this conference, the thing that made it especially nice for me was that people were talking with each other about everything, and there was less of that adversarial feel I had at the last conference. There was an excitement about the ideas being talked about that was well...exciting. I liked the balance of the sessions and that there weren't 10 sessions about one topic with none about anything else. There really were a great many topics that could be translated across-the-board. No matter what one's niche was.

I really, really, REALLY loved the way that Aneros launched it's new product (the Evi). I first thought that combining the launch with the kegel class by DuckyDuckyDoo would have been too much like an infomercial, but I was SOOOO wrong. The product actually made sense to me with the class concept - despite the fact that I sometimes thought that the little sucker looked like the Starship Enterprise (really, try it- from a certain angle, it does look like it, a little).  I think what surprised me the most was talking with the CEO of Aneros, CT (to whom I apologize in public now for continuously calling  him "Mr. T").  I still hear The EvilSluts' "I pity the fool" in my head whenever I think about it.

It wasn't all fun and games though. I almost decked one of the keynote speakers (to be fair, I didn't know he was one of the keynotes and he WAS extremely bad-mannered).  I'm not sure if I'd known who he was if I'd been as willing to call him an asshole to his face as I was...but I'd like to think I would have. This is one of those times that my cluelessness with "the famous and well known" worked to my advantage- Dee didn't kill me. [I "know" a great many people solely by their tweets, but personally I don't really "know" who very many of the speakers are at a conference like this- my usual forums are a little different].

I was also majorly disappointed that one of my favorite companies had taken to blogging, linking and tweeting things I found personally offensive and was even more disappointed to not recognize the person representing the company at the conference [I really wanted to ask them WTF?!]  The few times I went over to the booth, the surliness of the women sitting behind the desk was not exactly what I'd been used to seeing from this company. I talked to one woman about the product and yet all she kept asking me was if I wanted a sample. She didn't seem to know very much about new flavors coming out or even if new flavors were being considered. I had a moment where I almost wanted to work in the name of the owner of the company into conversation just so that she would know that I wasn't just some dork, but that I loved this product and was a huge fan. And then I thought- just forget it. I shouldn't have to try so hard.

But back to the good stuff.

I had an adorable little incident with John Stagliano. He arrived on the last day of the conference, because he was after all, one of the closing speakers. He came up to the registration desk, and I asked "name please?". [Did I mention I don't know who very many people are?]. When he said it, that little bell rang in my head and the index cards started getting sorted...John...Stagliano...where have I heard that name.....oh yeah....Dee is gonna kill me.....

John was very nice though. He asked if anyone had an iPhone charger because he was almost out of power. I told him we'd find him one (I then ran back to the Girl Cave/Headquarters and grabbed mine out of my luggage). I found him at lunch, handed him the power cord, and went on my merry way (never actually expecting to see the cord again, by the way).  So, you can imagine my surprise when John found me later and gave me the cord back. The fact that he remembered my face made me feel even more awful for not knowing who he was.

Overall, it was an interesting weekend. My vantage point of being an anonymous nobody let me see both the good and the disappointing. It was a weekend of opposites: A company with vision and one who seems to have lost it; a rude opening keynote speaker and a gracious closing one; and myself- going from not caring about any of this anymore to being re-engergized and looking forward to the next.

PS: I find putting in links using this machine to be tedious. I apologize to those I haven't done yet.

Can We Talk?

There’s been a lot of talk lately about “what makes a good sub” or “how to be a good dom”. While reading a lot of these posts, I was struck by the thought that changing either of them to “how to be a good human being” would be more appropriate.

With the current interest in all things kinky, I’m appalled at the number of people who try to fob off their own version of what works for them off as the epitome of submission or dominance. The very nature of BDSM is that it is all about choice and the freedom to explore in any way that gets your rocks off. There's a lot more than Fifty Shades of Grey when you're talking about BDSM.

Let’s talk some basics here, okay?

First, one is not either a sub or a dom. People tend to have both traits in their personalities. I’ve met very few submissives who couldn’t find a way to walk out the door in the morning, find their own car, get to work, and kick ass as a corporate executive, police officer, shopclerk or whatever their job may be. Conversely, I’ve also met very few dominants who are totally as bad-assed as their internet personalities would have you believe when faced with an IRS audit or a traffic stop.While people tend to take on certain roles in a D/s relationship, you can't assume that a submissive is always submissive or a dominant is always dominant. And, at times, it's absolutely necessary for submissives to "pull on the big girl panties". The point is, people cannot be pigeonholed into one category. Trying to make people live up to epitomes in anything is going to set yourself up for a pre-planned disappointment.

Second, let’s make sure you understand that D/s or M/s is not S&M. I know, it gets confusing with all the letters rolling around in BDSM, but it is entirely possible to have a D/s or M/s relationship and not engage in any form whatsoever of S&M. And vice versa. D/s and M/s are relationship models. S&M is an activity. While many people DO mix the two in their relationships, let’s be perfectly clear that there is no requirement that someone getting their ass beat must be a submissive, nor is someone who identifies as a submissive required to “prove it” by getting their ass beat. Yes, I’ve even known a few dominants in my time who enjoy getting their own asses beat. The point to this is- just because someone is engaging in an activity that they may enjoy- you can’t assume relationship roles from it.

Third, the most important thing one can realize when exploring any kind of relationship- even a D/s or S&M one- is that D/s is only and solely about what works for each of us. There are no other truths. Do what works for you, what gets your rocks off, and what you enjoy. There are no rewards for putting up with bad behavior from anyone under the guise of “submissiveness”, nor is there any badge of honor from treating people badly no matter what your relationship role may be. 

Anyone telling you anything else is just someone saying what works for them. It might work for you, but odds are- you’ll be very disappointed trying to model your own relationships after theirs. You’ll do far better and have far fewer problems if you remember that.

Fill 'r Up

Once you move in with each other, the sexy has a hard time of keeping up with things. What was once planned and scheduled and anticipated, has suddenly become non-existent. While each of you may have had “life issues” to deal with separately before, somehow when they’re combined under one roof, things seem to more than double in size.

Where once you could go home to get away from calls from the ex wife, where once you could tell someone you had to “work late and needed to take the night off” for some quiet time, such escapes don’t really exist when you’re living with someone. The small untruths we tell to avoid conflict don't really work when you're living with someone. It’s also really easy to overlook bad habits, snoring partners, idiosyncratic sleep and work habits and thousands of other little details of any relationship- when you’re dealing with it only a few hours or days at a time.

But I think everyone recognizes that it’s really important in a relationship to maintain rituals you had when you were both trying so much harder to be impressive. (I’m kidding- but you know how everyone is on their best behavior while dating). To that end, we have a regularly scheduled date night. Most of you can probably figure out it is also our regularly scheduled martini night! The point is, on that night, we date each other again. We talk about all the same things as we would at home, but in a far different tone. We smile at each other more often in public. We listen more. We have that couple of hours to reconnect as people who really like each other- without worrying about kids, jobs or dirty socks.

I think that it’s just as important to schedule playtime. Especially if your play is of a S&M variety. I know it sounds rather silly, and oftentimes feels foolish to schedule a time for this (trust me, the first few times we did this I felt rather stupid for planning it). Did I really want to make this part of our lives into just another “chore” for us to get through?. Isn’t part of the attraction of kink the uncertainty? the spontaneity? When I think back to when we first started seeing each other- we didn’t plan scenes. They just sort of happened when we were together. I was a little miffed that this didn’t remain the case.

At first, I let things go too long. A large part of me said we were in a D/s relationship for fucks sake! If he didn’t “feel like beating me”, was it really all submissive-like for me to ask for it? Who am I kidding- I didn’t ask. I pouted like a stupid bitch and expected him to “know better”. Fat lot of good that does. It just made me cranky and him less likely to want to me around at all. Which started another of those evil going around in circles that always seems to clutter my life.

I think it is not only a good idea to absolutely expect that your own needs are met, it is unrealistic to believe that your partner is consciously unwilling to meet them. The key is to compromise.

You see, when my own needs aren’t being met, I can be a cranky little bitch. And I really don’t care to be all that submissive. I’d just as soon drop everything to do with any part of our D/s relationship, if the alternative was to have our S&M pieces doled out to me in little dribbles. But what happens is that exactly when he most needs me to be pleasant and helpful, without regular beatings, the odds of me being anything other than a bitch aren’t in his favor.

You can think of this another way. If you own a car, it needs regular maintenance. New tires, an oil change every so often and even simple washing and waxing. Without maintenance, the car gets run down, doesn’t look it’s best, and will often quit on you when you’re late for work. Owning a submissive is like this. For some submissives, the chance to DO something is what they crave. For others it’s the “taking one for the team” in a beating. And for masochistic submissives, maintenance is more like filling up the gas tank or recharging the battery. Taking care of the needs of each other is an investment in your relationship. Go too long without filling the tank or maintaining the relationship and you might as well take public transportation.

There have been long stretches of time when he just can’t work up the energy to concentrate on my needs. It takes a lot of energy for a sadist to concentrate on doling out a significant beating for his masochistic partner. They certainly don’t want to be in the middle of beating your ass and have their mind wandering all over the ex wife, the principal of the kids’ school or the work problem that’s bugging the shit out of him. The one thing I constantly hear from sadists is that the time when they’re most angry with anything, is the time when they least want to let that part of themselves have free reign. So, understanding this, it can be difficult to work up the heart to beg for a beating, to convince him to play. Nobody likes to be another “problem” for their partner to deal with. And rarely do people really like the sadism/masochism relationship that evolves from anger.

So this is why it’s important to schedule a time- and it doesn’t have to be long- 15 minutes, a half hour- to maintain your S&M relationship with each other. That small time, regularly scheduled, seems rather aggravating and very much like another chore at first. And, at first, it probably won’t be anywhere nearly as enjoyable as all those other scenes you’ve had together. But it is an important thing. By keeping that line open, by refiling the tank, by meeting enough of your partner’s needs to keep them, if not happy, at least content, a strange thing tends to happen. That 15 minutes turns into a 1/2 hour. And that 1/2 hour turns into a full one. You forget the time when you’re doing something you’d forgotten that you really liked. The chemicals that masochists rely on for focus and clarity come back and the connection between the two of you gets stronger. You start out with intending to just wash your car, and you end up waxing it as well.

It basically comes down to reminding the person you love that there are things that only he can do for you. That you know it’s difficult to put the day’s crap out of his head. But remind him that you will be in a much better place of helping him if only he is able to fill up the tank.

But don’t expect the premium grade every time, and don’t hold him over the coals for a car wash with the fill up. Besides, we get better mileage out of repeated fill ups than with running the tank to empty.

You've Been Proved Correct

As you can imagine, things haven't been really easy for me in the past few days. But I knew that when I wrote the post and published the follow up.

Oddly enough, I don't really care- it's something I'll deal with, or not, depending on my mood at the time. Right now, I'm in a pretty good place. I did the right thing. I made good on my promise that the NEXT time anyone came to me for any kind of help or support, I would do my best to make up for the way I handled a similar matter with someone else. I've kept my promise.

I really do hope Buddy gets the help he needs and does have support in the future. And someday, I hope to eventually be able to buy him that beer that I owe him. But that's my wish. I think the reality is that he just won't be able to forgive anyone.

I know how people in this community get their panties in a bunch when someone disagrees. I know how they "read into" things using their own filters. I know that most of the time that happens because there is no really good way for some people to disagree other than to just be disagreeable.  And I knew that by putting my neck out, I'd again be the target for the vitriol. I'm actually quite okay with that. Mostly because I felt that by speaking my mind, even if others couldn't, that people who were suffering from this entire mess could take comfort in at least knowing that  I was listening to them, that I understood, and that I tried in my own way to help. It is very easy for so many others to discuss consent theory, abuse, victimization, tone policing, etc.  But it is unlikely they will ever know or feel the fear and the self-condemnation themselves.

I've been told that I am no longer respected "in the scene" for my opinions. I giggle at the very thought of that sweeping generalization. But I didn't write this for respect. I don't really care if anyone respects me especially when it's become clear that that respect is a right reserved for those who agree with you. And as for "the scene"- well, I think I've been pretty clear about what I think of that.

The most disappointing thing about this whole thing, I think, is the reaction of so many people who have thrown around the phrase "victim blamer" so easily in the past but think that in this case, the person who caused the damage (either by willful disregard for his own needs or from collateral damage) is the only one who needs their support. While Buddy may have every right to recovery and happiness and may have medication and therapy and time to ease his problems, his collateral damage victims have no such surcease. But they certainly have had their share of bullying to deal with.

So, to those people who have bashed me- I offer my sincere apologies. I was wrong.

You may now raise joyous banners and fist bump each other, write your "vindication!!" speeches, and take comfort in the fact that you've been proved right. You're absolutely correct when you say that victim blaming is rampant. That victims are silenced,  shamed, and pushed away.

But was it really necessary to make your point by doing it yourselves?

I have truly never been more disappointed with so many people as I am today. To use this situation to settle old grudges, to foist untenable choices on friends, and to put the people who have been harmed once again in the position of being silenced is unconscionable.